Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with this disease, I felt like my life is put on hold. Nobody did it to me, I did it to me. I felt like for the past 7 years, time have stopped and I refuse to move forward in life. Some people often asked me, when was my last relationship. The honest truth, 10 years, but I often shave off the years, afraid that it would somehow paint some negative notion towards me. But, people never knew the whole picture, and what I was dealing with.
Its mostly because of self doubt. Like I cannot muster the courage to try anything new. Like it would somehow hurt me, and it would make things worst for me. So I’ve decided to not try at all. If I could just stay still, maybe nothing bad can happen to me again.
However, for the past year, I felt like I was ready to take more chances. In terms of my professional life, and my personal life. You could even say that I maybe took more than what my body can handle. I bit off too much too soon. I tried “dating’ again, trying to make space for other people in my life. But, after all that, I recently was admitted to the hospital again. That episode of my life, hit me harder than I first thought. The hit that I took, have stayed with me until now.
No, I did not cry. There was no more tears left in me. People could say that I’ve grown stronger, but to tell the honest truth, I felt numb. Like I was finally beginning to have a bit of confidence in myself, but I was knocked back down, as if to remind myself, that maybe, I wasn’t cut out for it anyways.
Now, 2 months has passed, and I have yet to recover into a more positive head space. I am now, presented an opportunity to prove to people that I can indeed do more. People say that I can. But my mind cannot reconcile this. I still think that I could not do it.
What I can do now is only to give myself enough time to be more positive. And, work towards a place where I can say with confidence that I can do it. Myself is always a work in progress and I am not afraid to show this side of myself, my vulnerability.
Right now, I’m just not there yet. and yeah.. timing is a bi*ch.